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Sep. 8th, 2010

so right now im wondering how many mental illnesses one person can have at the same time. im currently trying to figure out percentages.

that is all.

Jul. 7th, 2010

so ive pretty much decided im depressed. well, you cant blame me. ive lost so many friends this year, i havent really made any new ones, and i have no one to really talk to. im not surprised, ive seen it coming for awhile. of course, you could also blame my birth control, hormones and all. but i dont think thats it.

whatever. i just wanted to put that out there. its nice to get these things out, even if its not to another human being. but oh well, i guess ill have to keep pretending to be happy and entergetic and excited for a while longer...

im so tired of this.

May. 27th, 2010

I'm so tired of this life. I'm tired of this place, these people, my life here. They make me so sad and I can't stand it much longer. I'm tired of being dissappointed, having my hopes and dreams crushed, being walked all over, having my feelings dragged through the mud. And it's always my friends who hurt me the most. Where can I find better people? Where do I go? Where will I not be hurt constantly by inconsiderate people who don't care? I really need to know, because I can't do this anymore. I don't know how I'm going to smile tomorrow. I can't picture it.

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sooooo....im sick. again. didnt this just happen a little while ago?? i must be lucky...

ugh
wow, now im really pissed off.

earlier i was looking at local colleges when i discovered duke has a japanese program. so i went to tell my mother and we got into this whole discussion of what i want to do. i pretty much landed on majoring in teaching and minoring in said japanese program, then going over to japan to teach english. and when im done with that i can become a translator, or a teacher or esl teacher. i like that idea.

but i just heard my parents talking, and my mother was all like she wants to go over to japan to teach english, but i dont see her doing that. i think she wants to do it because heathers doing it and whatever heather does is right.

FUCK. NO. heather is not always right, and i was the one who introduced her to the idea of going to japan to teach english in the first place, not the other way around. i was the one last year who reintroduced her to manga, then to yaoi and anime and all that good stuff. if anything, shes just doing what ive shown her. im not following her example, ive wanted to do this for years, since i first heard about programs like JET.

that just makes me so mad. i make my own decisions, not follow other people. and ill have fun. lots of it. because ill be good at it. heathers so antisocial and hard to communicate with, for strangers, its more than likely to be her who wont do well. and she has no backup plan for when shes done with the whole "teach english in japan" thing. she might not even get into college now, because she only applied to one place............RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRR!!!!!!! THIS IS TOO IRRITATING!!!!! IF ANYTHING, IM MAKING HEATHER INTO AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO!!!!! DONT FAIL MY CLASSES, TAKE HARD ASS AP AND HONORS CLASSES AND HAVE A FUCKING BEASTLY GPA!!!!!! THIS JUST MAKES ME WANT TO TRY SOOO MUCH HARDER TO SHOW THOSE STUPID PARENTS THAT YES, I CAN GET AMAZING GRADES, HAVE AN AWESOME GPA, GET A SCHOLARSHIP, AND GET INTO AN EPIC COLLEGE LIKE MEREDITH OR DUKE!!!!!!!!!

and i will too. im signing up for basically all honors and ap classes next year, ive already decided. so if i work my ass off next year, i can raise my gpa super high (i mean, its already, from last semester, a 3.2, so it wont be that hard to raise, if i get a's in honors or ap classes. and i have 3 a's this semester so far, and if i study hard i can get an a in french, so i can bring my gpa up like mad this semester. tho, sadly, no honors classes, but whatever.) so i can do soooo much more than those dick heads called parents think.

dumbasses.

fall count

fall count: 2
direction: up
location:
main stairs to student parking lot

yea...it was a few days ago. and now im sick. woooo.

i hate mondays

so, yes, monday has passed. and i am already exhausted.

*well....so what just happened while i was typing that line....father came in, handed me the phone. it was the lady i babysit for. I FUCKING FORGOT I HAD TO BABYSIT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes well....you could say that was the craziest ive driven in....ever. but i got there amazingly quick, given the traffic, so it was worth it....haha. and now im home. wooo*

so i see facebook has changed faces, once again. and i must say, i absolutely despise this change. its soooo much more confusing!! and i cant see the damn news feed!!! ive clicked every seemingly related button, but it wont show up, and when it does its in the wrong order, in order by "priority", not recentness. ugh. im annoyed. i might have to resort to only going on fb with my itouch. damn that would be annoying.

well....so im supposed to be in bed now....i probably ought to be getting on that.

ugh, lunch detention tomorrow....something to look forward to while i fall asleep.

lunch detentions this semester: 1

week one: OVER!

so the first week of the new semester has ended. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! i consider this a great success. seriously.

oh! so this laptop of mine!!! got it a week ago, or so, and i LOVE IT! its an hp and its amazing........*cough* it has mah jong, which gives it brownie points...*cough* im simple. but its black and silver, so much prettier than those ones with the random chrome metal sides and mouse pad. ugh. mouse pads. too annoying, so i bough a wireless mouse. (its easier to play games with a mouse :P) yes, so i finally forced my mother to set up the wifi, so im online, and i LOVE IT! haha new phrase of the day (hey, its officially a new day, cause its 12:03!!!)

its snowing!!!!! this makes me super excited!!!! its been snowing for maybe 3 hours? and we have, by looking, about 2.5-3 inches, already. its been a steady snow, so im hopin for lots more inches tonight, and tomorrow we were supposed to get a lot more snow!!!! so i was just lame and looked out the window to see if its still snowing, it isnt. and i just looked at the local news station to see what they say, they werent helpful.

well...i sorta have a head ache, and i feel like reading some yaoi (XD) so im just gonna be done here, tho i feel i could go on and on about this week.....BUUUUTTT i dont want to, haha. lazyness.

a new semester, a new count

fall count: 1
direction: down
location:
main stairs to student parking lot

woooo! and i didnt spill any of my drink! i have gained mad falling skills lately.....the count for last semester was like 3 or 4, falling up the stairs in the east building...always in the same spot. suspicious...

yea. but now my hip hurts, cause i landed on it. i mean i only skipped  3 or 4 stairs to the landing, but i seriously thought i was gonna keep going down the next group of stairs and die. cause that concrete is a hard ass mother fucker. but i didnt! so im still alive to fall another day!
so, its been a little while. a bunch of things have happened. i fought with my chemistry teacher, went on the pill, discovered vicodin, took exams, ended a semester, got a laptop.

well...i think that was a pretty nice little summary. onto elaborating. for the first subject....if was more of a bitch-fight, a struggle for control, you could say. skipping ahead, it landed me in detention with her cleaning her counters for an hour. wooo.

next. i started the pill!!! yes, that "the pill"! (im very excited to say this) ive been taking it for 2 and a half weeks, and my boobs have, in fact, started filling out!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEA THEY HAVE!!!! not to majorly or anything, but i can tell a difference, which is all that matters....for now. and i greatly look forward to a future with 4 periods a year.....im so happy i almost want to become christian so i can thank the lord for creating scientists.....but not quite that happy, since i havent gotten around to see if it actually works...but ill know in a few weeks, so ill keep you posted >.<

soooooooooo.......vicodin.......yeeeeeaaaaaaa......about that. it was totally legal, perscription vicodin!!! I SWEAR! at one point, after school, i was cramping so bad i couldnt even stand up straight, and could only sit crouched in one position. at that point, i would of rather been giving birth....it was bad. so i had my mother call the doctor (said doctor who had the day before perscribed the pill for me, and offered me vicodin, for when i was cramping, the offer of which was turned down by my mother, who said it could be handled by tylenol, alieve, and motrin....well...it couldnt be. i feel karma was greatly enjoying fucking with me at that point) so my mother called the doctor, and apparently told them i needed some heavy pain meds (at this point i was curled up in bed, with the hot waterbottle, after taking every type of pain medication in the house) later when i woke up, there it was, hydrocodone. aka vicodin. i took, one, little later, pain fades. but i felt a bit of light headedness...but i didnt think anything of it.

now...ive been high before. somewhat. i never got reeally high, so i didnt know the full extent of what "high" meant.....until the next day. in the morning, before school, as a precautionary measure, i took 2 pills. about midway through chemistry (oh! sidenote! my mother wrote me a pass asking teachers to not call on me because i was on vicodin. this makes me laugh. especially my 4th period teachers reaction...he gave me a thumbs up. im still not quite sure what he meant by that.....) we were doing a lab, and i needed to go back to my desk and get something. and whoa. as soon as im on my feet, the world starts swaying. my heads high as the sky, and im walking like the biggest drunkard youve ever seen. it was the weirdest thing. i hadnt felt anything until then. it was kinda funny. (basically, throughout the day, i learned that it takes vicodin an hour to start working for me, just fyi)

chemistry ends, and im still flying high as i move to french. well, the pills wear off by the end of the period, and it had been long enough, so i took 2 more before 3rd period. and, once again, it didnt kick in until around the end of lunch, when i was walking out the door to go to the court yard, and this girl pops up from behind the door and scares the shit out of me. and when it came to going back up stairs to class, i was totally dazed. luckily i had malcolm to lean on going up, or i probably wouldnt of made it without falling, or taking 5 minutes.

again, later, when 3rd period ended, i faced a very difficult task, going down the stairs. i am telling you, at this point, i could barely walk without leaning on malcolm, and i had to go down a flight of stairs!?!?!?!? do you have AAANY idea how dangerous that was????? luckily, malcolm walked me to class, and i leaned on him aaall the way down the stairs, around the school, and up the other flight of stairs, at which point he had to leave and run to class so he wouldnt be late. i think, well i know, he was late. it would of been impossible for a cheetah to run that distance in that amount of time.

so, in case youve lost track, i had had 4 pills that day. and i was starting to feel sick. lemme tell you, having your head in the clouds for 8 hours is not good for your stomach. and, stupidly, i took 2 more pills when i got home. *face-palm* that was the most nasty feeling i have ever had. i dont know how people like lindy and thomas, and all those druggies and pot heads can stand to be high ALL FUCKING DAY. how? after awhile, its bound to make you feel nausous. screw with your sense of balance, and thatll happen to anyone. yea. well... that was my experience with vicodin. and what have i learned? never, NEVER take 6 pills of heavy pain meds in one day. just dont do it. take the pain.

lessee.....what was my next topic? daaaamn. i seriously cant remember. i might have to scroll up and look. *cough* lazyness.

ah yes, exams and the end of a semester. well. not much to say except I SURVIVED!!!!!!!!! (yet another one of those moments where, if i was christian, i would say it was by an act of god) i mean, those were some deadly mother fuckers there. chemistry was long, 100 questions i think? and i looked online, and i think i got an 80, but hopefully i still have a b. that would be nice....then french 1. oh god, that thing had 200, yes, 200, questions, and 2 short little essay questions. but do you have any idea how hard it is to think about essay questions after youve completed 200 multiple choice or matching questions??? your brain is FRIED by then, so your chances of doing well are low. siiigh. next was algebra.....and that bitch was worse than french!!!! i didnt think it possible, but its true!!!! AND THERE WERE ONLY 68 QUESTIONS!!! AND IT TOOK 3 AND A HALF HOURS!!!! AND 17 OTHER PEOPLE ALSO NEEDED MORE THAN THE ORIGINAL 3 HOURS GIVEN TO US!!!! I WASNT THE ONLY ONE!!! yes, that is crazy. but i finished, and i miiiight of done ok. well...i at least got a 3, because she never called to say i got a 2 and had to retake the exam (another hallelujah moment). then us history was on thursday....well.....i did it. thats all i can say about that. its history. history exams are really hard.

so that wraps up the 1st semester of my junior year. im kinda sad, i had fun in some classes, some days. and i met a lot of great, nice, new people. im really gonna miss SOME of those days. they were fun. but now, a new semester, new classes, new people. wooo! oh! but i must not forget the celebrating of cleaning out the demon binder of super heavy evil!!!!!!!!!!! omg....that thing weighs like 10 pounds...its worse than that stupid us history textbook that weighs 7.3 pounds that broke my toe...i will be so glad to recycle all those papers...(whenever i actually get around to doing it in the next 2 days....cough)

and now, becuase i think this post is more than long enough, i rambled about the pill of crazy for too long, so i will ramble, rant, rave, rejoyce bout my LAPTOP(!!!!!!!!) at a later date.

(wasnt that r thing cool? all the words starting with r, i totally didnt plan that. i feel so writer-y and spiffy. yes world, meredith is spiffy. thank you for taking note)